


Union Jackoff

by MalteserEater



Category: South Park
Genre: Action/Adventure, Aliens, Amnesia, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Attempt at Humor, Between Seasons/Series, Crushes, Depression, Eventual Romance, F/M, Minor Character Death, Science Fiction, Season 20.5, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2019-03-16
Packaged: 2019-08-19 09:21:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16531790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalteserEater/pseuds/MalteserEater
Summary: It's 2016. Garrison has been elected President. SkankHunt42 is now off the radar. And Kenny McCormick has found himself saddled with a new neighbour; a British boy with amnesia named Bobby Tethway, who goes on a series of adventures that will see him face aliens, cops, hypnotism and feelings.





	1. The Boy Who Fell to South Park: Part One

Today had been a good day. Kenny was surprised. His parents had been unusually quiet, and he had checked to make sure they hadn't overdosed or something. Kevin had gone into the woods for some reason, but he'd find his way back eventually. And Karen was sitting peacefully on the floor drawing a bunch of butterflies. He didn't like it though. This was too good to be true. Something was bound to happen sooner or later, and somehow he knew it would end with him dying in some stupid way. What would it be? Being shot in the face? A sip of water that would give him cholera? An electric shock? Everything in his body just stopping for no reason? Kenny just sat there, tense, waiting for something to happen.  
Minutes passed. Nothing. He groaned and got up.

"I'm going out for a walk, Karen" He said to his little sister.

"Ok, Kenny. Be careful" She knew he had a habit of disappearing. She didn't know why though, and Kenny wanted to keep it that way.

He strolled over to the door, opened it, and peeked out. He looked around to see if there was anything out of the ordinary, clutching the doorframe, ready to bounce back into the safety of the house. Nothing. He looked up towards the remains of the CtPa that stood over his house, expecting to see snipers or something like that. But there was nothing like that. Breathing a sigh of relief, Kenny turned around, waved goodbye to Karen (Who did the same) and stepped outside. Maybe I’m getting paranoid, he thought as he began walking up the road. To be fair, he hadn't died that much lately. Maybe the whole curse thing was finally wearing off? He snorted at the thought. Like hell it would go. Maybe he hadn't died that much lately, because he hadn't even had much to do lately. When was the last time Stan or Kyle had invited him out? Hell, even Cartman hadn’t talked to him. In a way, Kenny almost missed being picked on for being the poor kid. As he continued on towards the town, he thought about what he might do. He didn’t have that much cash on him. Two dollars. Maybe he needed to make new friends. Anything to get him away from the drunken assholes that he called his parents.

Then a bright flash from above cut him out of his thoughts, blinding him for a moment. He screamed, not out of fear but frustration, thinking he had just died again. But he hadn’t. He was still alive. He heard another scream and saw something fall to the floor. Kenny went over to see what it was. It was a boy, lying face-down. At first glance, he didn’t look like anyone Kenny had met before. He had a mop of brown hair and was wearing a dark-blue trench coat and…plaid black-and-white pants. Crouching down, Kenny saw that he was still breathing and turned him over to get a good look at his face. He was really pale, and the eyes were shut with a pair of black glasses in front of them. This guy didn't seem that much older than Kenny, who began gently slapping him on the cheek to bring him round.

"Dude?" Kenny said “Can you hear me?"

The eyes slowly opened. The breathing became heavier and faster. And then he bolted upwards suddenly with a loud gasp that made Kenny jump backwards. The boy sat up straight for a moment before falling back down on the floor, knocking the back of his head against the ground.

"Oh, my head…" He mumbled. To Kenny’s surprise, he had a British accent.

"Are you alright?" Kenny asked, coming back over.

The boy planted his hands into the ground to lift himself up. He looked up at Kenny and answered "I think so…" He tried to stand but his legs wobbled, forcing him to grab onto Kenny's shoulders for leverage.

"What's your name?" Kenny mumbled, grabbing his arms to give him more support.

The boy opened his mouth to answer but the words seemed to get stuck in his throat. He stopped and his eyes darted around for a moment before he said with an ashamed look "I…I don't know” His face turned from white to green “Can I use your toilet please? I think I'm going to be sick"

And he was, narrowly missing Kenny’s shoes. He spent the next five minutes spewing up in the bathroom before finally emerging and being guided to the living room by Kenny. The boy was now sitting on the couch beside Kenny, gulping down some water. He was shivering and shaking, and he somehow seemed even paler than before.

"So…" Kenny was struggling to think of what to say. He had expected something to happen to him today, but not this "You're from England?"

"I suppose so" was the boy’s reply. He looked apologetic "I'm sorry about this, I really don't know what the hell just happened"

“You don’t remember anything?”

“No” He shook his head “All I can think about is flying through the air for a moment and then waking up outside. There’s nothing there” He tapped his head with his fingertips “It’s just a load of...nothing”

Kenny asked "Do you not know anything about yourself?"

The boy looked down and around his body for a moment before shrugging "All I know is I've got rather interesting dress sense and bad eyesight" He put down his glass of water and began rummaging through his pockets, trying to find something that could tell them who he was. In the first pocket he dug into, he found a phone. It was switched on, but there was nothing on it. No data or anything. Looks like it wasn't just his memory that was blank. He tossed the phone to one side, causing it to land in Kenny’s lap, and went back to his pockets. 

As he did, he made his own attempt at light conversation "She your sister?" He asked, nodding his head towards Karen, who had just been sat quietly observing the stranger with the funny voice.

"Er, yeah. Her name's Karen"

The boy smiled weakly at her before turning again to see the bloke with the muffled voice "And you are?"

"Kenny"

"How do you do?" He offered one of his hands to shake, which Kenny took awkwardly. The boy stopped suddenly, realising what he just said "Oh God. I really am British!" Finally, he pulled something out of his pocket. It was a scrap piece of paper with writing on it. A letter.

He unfolded it and read it aloud;  
"Hello,  
Sorry about the headache. Hopefully, you've ended up somewhere where you can make a fresh start.  
Don't be afraid. Be happy.  
Good luck, Bobby Tethway"

"Bobby Tethway?!" He repeated loudly "That's my name?!" He looked like he was going to be sick again.

"I think it's quite a nice name" Karen said meekly.

Bobby sighed "Well, could be worse I guess. Could be Keith"

“What’s wrong with Keith?” Karen was looking at her…teddy? Doll? Thing. Cuddly thing.

“Everything” Bobby responded as he looked over the letter again. Fresh start? Something had happened that he couldn't remember. Was his lack of memory deliberate or…? 

"Hold on” His eyes widened and he looked at Kenny “Where actually am I?"

"South Park, Colorado" Kenny replied.

"Bloody hell…” Bobby was a long way away from home “Then…” He hesitated as his expression went from curiosity and awe into sheer panic “What am I going to do? Do you know anywhere where I can stay?” He shivered again "Preferably somewhere with central heating" Kenny looked at him as if he'd just spoken Swahili. Bobby groaned. Bloody Americanisms… "Air conditioning?" He corrected himself.

"Oh. Well we do have a guest house next door” Kenny pointed his thumb outside “You can hole up in there if you want"

It occurred to Kenny that it may have been a good idea to double check they didn’t have anyone already in there, paying guest or otherwise, and that Bobby would probably have to deal with a lot of leftover drugs and rat shit, but the Brit immediately agreed before he could say anything else. Kenny helped him down from the couch and took him outside, offering a shoulder to lean on as Bobby's legs continued to shake slightly. As they walked, Bobby couldn’t help but think. If he had erased his memory, why? Why had he ended up halfway across the world?. And, biggest question of all; what kind of a person was he? He replayed the last few minutes in his head. By the looks of things, he might be a bit of a nerd. He ticked the British stereotypes of polite and pleasant conversation. What else? Keith. Bit opinionated? Mmm. Bit sarcastic? Nothing wrong with that. The phone? Well he'd apparently been able to gain access to one. Did that mean he had a family? If so, what would they be thinking right now? Or would his pre-amnesiac self give a damn?

"Here we are" Kenny propped Bobby up against the wall of his new residence, snapping him out of his thoughts. It looked more like a shed than a guest house; it was small, and the paint was peeling off. The door squeaked as Kenny opened it. More squeaks came from inside. Great. Rats came running out and scooted past the two of them. Bobby peered inside. It was dark and the only light came from the sun as it crept through a large crack in the ceiling. There was a table and a few glass beakers strewn about on top of it. Broken glass was scattered all over the floor. All in all, not the kind of place that would get a glowing review on Trivago.

Bobby sniffed "What's that smell?"

"Meth"

"Ah. Wait, what?!" Bobby was now a little concerned about what he was getting into.

"We sometimes have dealers in here" Kenny said before turning to him "Sorry, dude, we're kind of the poorest family in the town and we take what we can get. You'll get used to it after a while"

Bobby sighed. He was a little unsure about this. But right now, he had no choice. He was on his own in a completely different country and he didn't have any money…oh. Oh shite. They weren't gonna charge him weren’t they?

"You don't need me paying rent here do you?" He voiced his concerns, making sure to sound pleading in order to get the best response.

“Relax” Kenny patted him on the shoulder “I'll talk with my Mom and Dad and see what they say. Just stay in there for a little bit and when you feel better, I'll take you into town and show you around"

"Cheers, mate" Bobby smiled slightly at Kenny before stumbling across the room and finding the bed in the far-right corner. It was just a mattress and a pillow. Both were stained yellow and smelt like smoke and dead skin. He didn't care. He fell forwards, landing face-first on the pillow and almost immediately fell asleep.

Kenny looked at Bobby for a moment to make sure he was out before closing the door behind him and going back towards the house. Did that really just happen? Had he really just ended up with a random British kid on his doorstep who was now, whether he liked it or not, in his care? He had, hadn’t he? Jesus Christ.

Maybe it was going to be one of those days after all.


	2. The Boy Who Fell to South Park: Part Two

Bobby was now wide awake. Maybe a couple of hours had passed. He still felt slightly sick but not nearly as bad as he had been earlier. He sat up on the mattress and planted his feet on the ground. It felt like he had got full strength back in his legs so he decided to try standing up. Steady…steady…He put his arms out to balance himself. No. He was fine. Good. He looked up and spotted a cracked mirror opposite him. In it was some geeky looking bloke wearing a trench coat. He approached it. It did the same.

“Who the hell are you?” He asked. No reply. He was tempted to try the Taxi Driver approach and draw a gun hoping he could get some answers. But something told him the figure had other plans. That, and he didn’t actually have a gun. Damn.

So this was him. This was Bobby Tethway. He was definitely a nerd. The hairstyle, the glasses, the coat, the plaid trousers…looked like some sort of hipster space hobo kind of guy. Wait a mo…space hobo? Now where did that…Oh. Oh! Doctor Who! Of course! He loved that show! How could he forget that?! Memory number one back home. To his annoyance, however, that was the only thing coming back to Bobby. Maybe more of them would come back if he went out and got some fresh air. 

“Oi, you” He pointed at the mirror “Don’t go away, understand? I’ll have more questions for you when I get back” He stared intensely for a moment before conceding “I’m talking to my own reflection. Dear God…” Shaking his head, he went off to fetch Kenny. 

To his surprise, it didn’t take much effort to open the door. In fact, he could have blown on it and it would have opened. He nearly fell over backwards as he yanked it towards him. Hoping no one saw that happen, he stepped outside and breathed in deeply. Air felt a lot cleaner. Helped that it wasn’t mixed with meth…although, saying that, what was…? He sniffed. Ah. Weed. Welcome to America. Didn’t distract him from the fact it was bloody freezing. Still, lots of snow, can’t go wrong with snow. That is, until you slip. Bobby looked around and noticed for the first time what appeared to be remains of a small complex or district or something. He spotted a sign down the road which read 'SoDoSoPa'. Interesting…walking past Kenny's house, Bobby decided to take a closer look. It looked like it had been abandoned. A modern bit of architecture suddenly left to rot. Like the town had flirted with the idea with becoming modern and then turned round and said ‘Screw that for a can of peaches’. Hmm…looking towards the floor, Bobby spied a few bits of…oh lovely, syringes and shit. Literal shit. He was surprised Kenny and Karen could even stand living here. Then again, if you’re born in it, there’s probably nothing to get used to anyway.

"Hey!" A gruff voice called from up above and nearly made Bobby jump out his skin. He looked up to see a tramp standing on the roof of the complex, who jumped down next to him. He was a few steps away but Bobby’s nose still wrinkled as he caught the tramp’s scent; a mix of rotting fish and week-old piss. He was wearing a green coat that had definitely seen better days. His face was covered in splotches. Presumably, his thick greying beard was covering more of them. Bobby gulped and began to back up as the tramp began staggering towards him.

"Can I help you?" Bobby tried to be polite. Something told him that wasn't going to work.

The tramp ignored the question, continued advancing and said "Give me your money"

Yup, knew that was gonna happen. Fantastic. 

“Yes you do” The tramp scowled “Posh guys like you always have money”

Bobby's head began racing as he tried to think of a way out. Something told him that repeating the phrase ‘I really actually don’t have any money to give’ wouldn’t work no matter how hard he tried. He could try running. There was a forest behind him. Although looking at it…yeah, no, not going in there, it gave him the chills…ok, last resort. What else could he do? Punch him in the face? Looking at the face again, Bobby decided he’d rather not risk catching anything. The groin? What if he had a syringe down there?...Did he really just think that?! Ugh. He could try calling out for Kenny. But that would mean he'd have to fend for himself for a few moments. Er…uhm…Oh, to hell with it.

"Kenny?! Help!" He called out. And as predicted, the tramp leapt on him and forced him to the ground. Bobby yelped as it happened. He quickly clawed at the tramp's eyes to try and fend him off. The tramp promptly grabbed his face in pain and wrenched Bobby’s fingers off with his cold hands. Bobby crawled across the floor and was about to get back to his feet when he noticed something. The syringes. Maybe he could try stabbing him. Or at least keep him back by waving it in his face. Worth a shot. Bobby reached for a syringe and stood up in a defensive position in an attempt to ward off the tramp.

"Ok, mate” He said trying to sound hard but not entirely succeeding “I'm not in the mood for this, and I don't have any money. So do us both a favour and kindly sod off" He held up the syringe as a warning.

And then the tramp pulled out a knife. Shite. He began charging towards Bobby, who dropped the syringe out of fright and dove out of the way as the tramp leapt towards him. As he did he could have sworn he heard a squeaking noise. Then a grunt. When he was looking upright again, Bobby saw just about the last thing he wanted to see, and went empty inside. Kenny had come out of the house at the exact moment the tramp had leapt at him with the knife, which had now been lodged between Kenny's eyes.

He'd killed Kenny.

The tramp had realised what he'd done, letting go of the knife and allowing Kenny's corpse to fall to the floor. And then he rummaged in Kenny's pocket for a second and took out a dollar bill. Seething with anger and sadness, Bobby sprang forwards and attempted to punch the tramp in the face but missed his mark, tripping over the body. The tramp made a break for it and began sprinting up the road.

"You bastard!" Bobby yelled at him before turning to look at Kenny's corpse. He clasped his hands over his mouth. Oh Christ. What was he going to do? Tell Karen? Tell his parents? This was too much. This wasn't happening. No. This was a dream. This was just a bad dream. It was just some crappy story he'd imagined. He was going to wake up in a moment and he would be back home safe and sound. He closed his eyes and pinched himself. Ow! He opened his eyes again. No. It wasn't a dream. This was real. He was stranded in some cold mountain town halfway across the world with barely any recollection of he was, and the guy who had just taken him in had been stabbed to death and his corpse was gone.

Wait, what?!

Kenny’s corpse was gone. It had just disappeared. The knife wasn’t there either. And no blood patch on the floor. Freaking out, Bobby ran into the house. The living room was empty. He wanted to call out Kenny's name but felt it would be stupid. He'd just seen him die. People don't just come back to life like that. Oh God, this was just typical. He’d only been here a couple of hours and already he had got someone killed!

Bobby heard a door opening in a corridor behind the living room. He went to see who it was, hoping it wasn't Karen – No child her age should have to hear a loved one has died like that. And he nearly fell over in surprise when he saw that it was in fact Kenny.

"Knew that was going to happen…every goddamn time…" He was mumbling before looking up to see Bobby, staring at him, shocked "Oh, hey, dude. Do you want to head into town then?"

Bobby's mouth drooped open and he shook his head, unwilling to believe his own eyes. Kenny stared at him as if he had gone mad. He stammered for a few seconds before he finally found the right words to say "Are you serious?! Kenny, I just watched you die! You got stabbed in the face!"

"Yeah, happens a lot. Oh" Kenny had realised he had some explaining to do "You're not gonna believe me when I say this"

Bobby nearly broke into laughter "Probably not but I'm looking forward to how you're gonna sell an answer to me here!" He folded his arms, eagerly awaiting Kenny’s response.

"I can't die"

This time, Bobby cracked, and he began to laugh dismissively.

"I'm serious" Kenny said in a lower, more growly voice. Bobby wanted to continue laughing but he couldn't. Chills went down his spine and he bit down on his tongue. Somehow, he believed him. Kenny cleared his throat before continuing in a high-pitched muffle "Whenever I get killed, I just wake up in bed as if nothing happened. And the worst part is no one seems to remember me dying" He sounded sad as he said that last sentence.

"Mate, I don't think I'm gonna forget that any time soon. Does Karen know about this?"

“No” Kenny’s voice went deep again “And you can’t tell her” He raised a finger as a warning.

“I won’t” Bobby immediately replied. Even if Kenny hadn’t basically said that in a way that implied he would skin Bobby alive if he even thought about telling Karen, he still wouldn’t have told her. While Bobby wasn't quite processing the fact he was apparently talking to an immortal and was almost entirely sure he was talking to a ghost or a zombie or something like that, he did feel relieved that he hadn't got Kenny killed after all. Still though… "Look, Kenny, with all due respect…what the hell have I gotten myself into?"

Over the course of the next hour, Bobby more or less had an answer to his question. It was a mental asylum, except the inmates had free rein. Bit like Arkham City. Kenny had told him stories of events that had happened over the years. Fascinating stuff. Aliens, wars, cults and so on. But it all sounded a bit unsafe. Bobby had voiced his concerns about it. If this was where he was going to have to live, at least for a while, then he at least wanted to feel safe. In response, Kenny had given him a list of his friends to go to in case Kenny himself wasn't around. He never knew when he would come back from the dead. In ascending order, he'd be better off going to Stan, Kyle, Butters (A name which Bobby had had a good laugh at before remembering his own) and Cartman. He had specified that Cartman was to be his absolute last resort no matter what, even if he was on the brink of death and if Cartman held the one thing that would help him survive. The way he went on, Bobby guessed that the spawn of Satan was living in South Park. He had also noted that Kenny hadn't mentioned any girls in his little list. Apparently, there was some sort of gender war going on after a troll named SkankHunt42 had been, shock horror, trolling them on the school message boards. The election of that giant douche hadn't helped things either. Kenny had advised Bobby to steer clear of any girls in the town until further notice.

After a guided tour around the main parts of town, they were now having a bite to eat in a restaurant called City Wok with the money Kenny had saved up. He had a discount from working with the owner, which had come in handy lately. Unfortunately, it still hadn't been enough thanks to the tramp stealing that dollar from Kenny's pocket, so now the two of them had had to share their fries. Not that Bobby minded; the nausea from earlier was still there and had put him off his food. To take his mind off things, Kenny had also explained some particular events that had occurred in South Park. He was now talking about something called 'Mecha-Streisand'.

"And then a guy called Pip tried asking it to stop"

"And how did that work out for him?"

"He was stomped to death" Kenny replied without any remorse whatsoever before he dipped another fry into the ketchup and popped it under his hood. It was only now that Bobby noticed that he had somehow been able to understand what Kenny had been saying despite the fact the hood of his parka muffled everything he said "Pip was British aswell" He continued.

Bobby glanced up from his burger "So that means I'm now filling in for him as the token Brit of the town?"

"Guess so"

"I think I know why I ended up here now" He joked. Frankly though, for all he knew that could genuinely have been the reason why. He just didn’t know yet.

Kenny got up from his seat "I have to go to the bathroom. Back in a minute, dude"

"Alright" Bobby sat back and stretched his legs as Kenny wandered off and looked out of the window. He was getting calmer the more he became acquainted with South Park. Now that he knew what he was working with then he could make more of an effort to fit in. Plus, in some sort of weird way, despite all the shit Kenny had told him about, Bobby sort of actually liked it. In a masochistic sort of way. Was that the right word, masochist? Oh, whatever. Maybe he just liked it because of the snow. Better than being rained on constantly in England. You don't need all your memories in order to remember that little detail.

Feeling nosy, Bobby turned away from the outside and began to scan the other customers. See if there were any other locals he could get friendly with. He started with the table in front of him. A bloke in his 40s with a moustache and his short-haired wife. They hadn't really said much, bar some phrases such as 'Member the Beatles?' and so on. Nostalgia was a terrible thing. Turning to look behind him, Bobby saw a blonde kid and his parents. Kenny had had to talk over them at a couple of points whilst explaining things to Bobby as there had been some raised voices. As much as he didn’t like eavesdropping, Bobby had heard little bits and pieces; the kid was called Butters, one of the names on Kenny's list and he apparently liked to go waving his wiener around, which had nearly made Bobby spit out his drink in surprise. A side effect of the gender war apparently. Still though, Jesus.

Bobby looked across the room to the other patrons. Just your standard families out for a meal, nothing about them really stood out. He had heard generic conversations about the new President, the Internet, the upcoming Star Wars film Rogue One and so on. Nothing special. Oh. Hello, who’s this? One lass about his and Kenny’s age was sitting at the other end of the restaurant with her parents beside the entrace. She had long black hair and a pink jacket. Nice beret! She looked up, and saw he was staring at her. Shite! He snapped his head back towards the window. What did Kenny say, you idiot? Leave 'em alone! Bobby sighed in frustration, before turning back to face her. Oh good God, she was still looking at him. She smiled and waved. Er…ok. Not the reaction he was expecting. Cautiously, he waved back and mouthed 'Sorry'. She mouthed something too. 'It's fine'. Huh. Maybe ‘gender war’ was a little too extreme.

"Wendy?" Her mother said, cutting her away from Bobby's gaze.

Wendy. Lovely name. For the first time that day, Bobby felt warm and toasty. Someone must have switched the air-con on. He decided to make himself scarce and headed to the toilet…no, wait, bathroom! Oh God, was he going to have to get used to using American terms? No. No, I can call it whatever I want, he thought. He was British, and he was proud to be that way! Oh wait. Brexit was happening wasn't it? Ok, somewhat proud. Better than being from Liechtenstein. How can you call yourself a country when there's no airport? Hold on. How the hell did he know that?! Oh well, regardless. Stick to Switzerland.

As Bobby was about to enter the toilets, he stopped. He realised. Kenny had been a while and they hadn't passed each other. Had he fallen in? Had he died again? Or had he gone for a really long shit? After all, the food hadn’t seemed that great…Feeling uneasy again, Bobby opened the door and peaked his head in. No sign of anyone at the urinals.

"Kenny?" He called out, edging further in and beginning to creep towards the cubicles "Are you in there?" No reply. Bobby was getting worried.

And then something knocked him really hard on the back of the head and he fell to the floor. He nearly blacked out as he clattered against the cold tiles. What the hell was…? Through his blurred vision, Bobby saw two older kids. One of them had Kenny by the arms and was dragging him out of a cubicle and through the window. The other, presumably the one that had just clattered Bobby over the back of the head, was standing over him and glaring. Kenny was struggling to break free. Bobby attempted to get back up and help but was immediately thrown back down.

"What’s going on, where are you taking him?!" He demanded. He felt stupid for asking that. Was he really going to get an answer?

"We're taking him to the airport"

Oh. Apparently, yes. Thank God for morons. Suddenly, Bobby felt a lot better but that was short-lived as he was grabbed by the scruff of his neck off the floor and punched in the face by the kid who had just kindly said where they were going. Before he was hit, Bobby heard a couple of things. The first kid was telling the second that he was an idiot. Understandable. And Kenny was yelling out to the first. It was harder to hear his muffles but Bobby did hear one phrase:

"No, listen, we can work this out! Trent!"

And then Bobby fell back to the floor and everything went black.


	3. The Boy Who Fell to South Park: Part Three

For the second time that day, Bobby woke up after being knocked unconscious. It was getting rather annoying. Getting laid out cold was only half the problem; when you wake up again, you have this sick taste in your mouth and your head is pounding. And to make matters worse, now he had a sore jaw to deal with, which he rubbed with his hand as he got up off the floor. As far as he could tell he hadn’t lost any teeth. Now, where was he?

Oh Christ! Toilet. Kenny. Gone. Had he been out long? Can't have been more than a few minutes, surely. Well, whatever, he had to go and find whoever took Kenny. The idiot of the group had said they were going to the airport. But where was the bloody airport?! Ok, ok, don't panic. You're in a restaurant, just go and ask for directions. Or better yet, get a phone and call the police. Although, thinking about it, would it be worth it? From what he'd gathered from today's events and what Kenny had told him earlier, logic didn't really fly in South Park. He was going to have to rescue Kenny the old-fashioned way. Now he started to panic.

Bobby stumbled out of the toilets and into the corridor, eyes staring down at the floor. His head was pounding something fierce and he grasped it in an attempt to sooth the pain. The pain in his jaw wasn’t wearing off as fast as he had hoped. His breathing was getting heavier. Not looking where he was going, Bobby then bumped into someone.

"Oh, beg your pardon!" He said as he looked up to see who he'd collided with. It was Wendy.

"It's fine. Are you OK?" She asked. Bobby noted she was speaking fairly quietly.

"Not really” He admitted "My head hurts, my jaw hurts, and I think Kenny's been kidnapped"

"Oh" She didn't sound that sympathetic, which annoyed Bobby “What happened?”

"I went in to see where he was and then some guys were taking him away” Bobby thought back to what he had heard back there for a moment before asking “I don't suppose the name 'Trent' means anything to you, does it?"

Her eyes widened "Yeah, Trent Boyett. I thought he was in juvenile hall"

"I can confirm he isn't. Him and his mates have taken Kenny to the airport, I think"

She muttered something under her breath. 'Stand'? Then she said "The airport's south of the town. You can get a cab there"

"I don't have any money. Or rather, I just spent it on food"

"Well maybe you could…" She sighed in frustration "Ok, maybe I can get my parents to give you a ride but you'll need to hide under the seat or something"

Bobby replayed what he had just heard in his head before voicing his disbelief.

"If any of my friends see me hanging out with you…" She left the sentence hanging. Now Bobby understood. So 'gender war' wasn't an extreme term after all. Or she was just being really overdramatic.

Well, sod it, he didn't have time to argue "Alright, fine" As she headed back towards the dining area, Bobby said "Thank you"

She turned and smiled for a second before pointing at the window and saying "Meet me at my parents' car. It's a blue sedan. Don't let anyone see you"

"On my way" As he climbed through the window, Bobby had a brief glimpse around to see if there was anything of note, like a trail on the ground of some sort that he could follow. No, there wasn't. Bugger. Ok, car park, blue sedan, blue sedan, blue sedan…there it is. He sauntered over, making sure not to be seen by anyone. He felt like he was about to nick the car. Somehow it felt familiar. Hmm…

A few moments passed before Wendy emerged from the restaurant with her parents. Bobby hoped he hadn’t interrupted their meal. They came over in a hurry. She must have told them how severe the situation was. At least that would ensure a quicker drive. Her Dad, a red-head, unlocked the door with his key fob.

"Hi" He said "What's your name, son?"

Oh yeah, he never told Wendy his name. Score one for awkwardness "Bobby. Bobby Tethway"

He smirked, probably at how stupid it sounded "Nice to meet you. Hop in" 

They all got in the car in a hurry. As he strapped himself in, Bobby remembered that Wendy had requested him to hide under the seat.

"Do you still want me under…?" He pointed his fingers downwards.

"No, I have an idea" She said. He breathed for the moment, not considering that she could have come up with a worse solution. She reached into a carrier bag on the floor, pulled out a blonde wig and presented it to Bobby "Here, put this on”

The fu-? What was he, Eleven from Stranger Things?! He was about to protest, but he had to remind himself he didn’t have time for that. Begrudgingly, he put the wig on. It was a bit of a faff before he got it the right way. The long strands left his shoulders behind. The fringe got in the way of his eyes.

"That alright…?" He asked, half-seriously. Wendy put her fist up to her mouth to suppress a giggle before giving a thumbs-up approval. It didn’t help at all.

"Are you two playing dress-up?!" Wendy's mother was looking at them in the rear-view mirror. The car had coughed into life and was beginning to pull out of the parking lot.

"Just trying to make the situation less tense, Mom" was Wendy’s excuse.

Well that was one way of putting it. Bobby sank into his seat as they drove off. The wig was making his head itch. On top of the pounding, which to be fair had faded but was still noticeable, he was not having the best of times. Still, he was glad that Wendy had gotten his parents to drive him. For someone whose existence he'd only been aware of for ten minutes at most, she had been awfully kind. In this day and age, it was a bit of a risk to drive a complete stranger somewhere wasn't it?

He said that last part to her, to which she replied "No offense, but you don't look like the kind of person that would cause any trouble"

Let's not get ahead of ourselves, sweetheart, I still haven't fully figured out who I am yet, he thought. After all, he had already clawed at a tramp's eyes. Meanwhile, it occurred to him that he was probably going to get asked a bunch of stuff; who are you, where are you from, where are your parents, why'd you move here, what's with the plaid pants and so on. Bobby could only hope that the journey would pass quickly enough to avoid having to answer any of those. Or alternatively, he could hope that Wendy's parents weren't in a social mood.

"So, what brings you to South Park?" Wendy asked. Rather her than them, he guessed. But would he still lie? She was staring at him, waiting for an answer.

No. No, he couldn't lie.

"Truth be told, I kind of ended up here by accident. I think. I just turned up with no memory of who or what I was"

"Ok…" She raised her eyebrow. Oh God…

"I know that sounds stupid but it's the truth” He insisted “Kenny found me in the road, helped me out and now here I am trying to find him before something nasty happens to him" His breath went heavy again "You probably think I'm a madman don't you?"

"A bit" She reached into her pocket and began typing away at her phone.

Yup, he'd killed the conversation and had painted himself as a complete weirdo. He scowled at himself. Guess anti-social could be added to the list of things he knew about himself. After a minute or so, the car stopped at a red light. Bobby was stretching his fingers in and out, squeezing at the air. The longer he dawdled, the more chance that Kenny would be hurt. And he didn’t want to be responsible for his death twice in one day. Wendy looked out of the window and suddenly began knocking on it. She'd seen someone she knew. As she rolled it down, Bobby looked out aswell to see another girl with curly blonde hair and a red jacket, waving.

"Hey, Bebe!" Wendy called.

Oh God. Bobby remembered the wig. He sank back into the seat quickly. Please don't see me, please don't see me, please don't see me.

"Hey, Wendy!" Bebe replied "Who's that?"

Bollocks.

"Oh this is the new girl, Bobby" He was going to have to pretend to be a girl. Fantastic.

"I thought Bobby was a boy's name"

Bobby cleared his throat before sitting up and saying in a very high-pitched voice "Short for Roberta. I'm sure you can see why I prefer Bobby"

"Fair enough" Bebe seemed satisfied. Bobby sank back into his seat "Are you from England?"

Oh for…

He got back up "Yeah, I'm from London"

"You should come over for a sleepover some time, I'm sure everyone else would love to meet you!"

"Yeah sounds great!" Bobby could feel her—no, his, God's sakes, his face flushing. Seriously, the light was still red?! There was no traffic! Come on!

"We've got a society meeting tomorrow aswell if you want to come along" Jesus Christ, this woman was relentless.

"Love to" Really shouldn't have agreed to that. Bobby coughed as his throat begged to return to its normal pitch. He looked at the light again. Are you shitting me?! TURN GREEN!

Wendy came to his rescue "She's still new, Bebe, give her a chance to get settled" Better late than never.

The car juddered into life again. The light had turned green. Thank God. Wendy said bye to Bebe as they drove off before rolling the window back up. She turned to look at him and was met with razor-sharp daggers. 

"Thanks for the help" He snarked.

"If it's any consolation, you make a pretty convincing girl"

Bobby sighed. Kind, yes. But more concerned about her reputation than anything else, by the looks of things.  
"I hope you've got a way to get me out of going to those sleepovers and meetings and whatnot" He said, scratching at the wig. It was really starting to get on his nerves.

"I'll figure something out, don't worry" She was grinning, no doubt amused by what had happened. The edges of his lips twitched "Was that a smile?"

"No" His face flushed.

"Yes it was"

"It wasn't!" He looked away.

"You smiled!" She said playfully.

Admittedly, he did. But it was less due to the absurdity of the whole thing, and more to do with the fact that despite this so-called gender war, he'd managed to make friends with more girls than boys. All the same, he felt dirty…

"We'll be at the airport in about five minutes" Her Dad said.

Bobby could have sworn he'd heard Wendy scowl when he said that. But he didn't stop to check because his breathing got heavier again as he remembered what he was doing in the first place.

"Relax, Bobby" She said "I'm sure he's fine" There was something soothing about her tone there that made him want to believe her.

And then it occurred to him; was that little charade with the wig meant to take his mind off things? He thought about it for the rest of the trip. In the end, maybe it was. 

After driving for what had felt like an age, they had arrived at the airport. As he unbuckled and got out, he thanked Wendy's parents for the lift.

"You're not seriously going in there on your own?" Her Dad asked.

"Yes" Bobby replied without hesitation "I don't want to risk any more lives than necessary"

"Just be careful, Bobby" Wendy had said that Trent had been juvenile hall. God only knew what for. At this point in time, Bobby didn’t want to know. All he knew was that he was going to damn well try and get Kenny out of there in one piece, provided he was still in one piece.

He looked back at Wendy reassuringly and said "I'll be fine. See you later?"

"Maybe" As he was about to shut the door, Wendy cut him off "Bobby?"

"Yeah?"

"Wig"

Eh? Oh for…he'd forgotten to take the wig off. Rolling his eyes, he snatched it off and tossed it towards her before giving a mock salute. The car powered up and drove off. Bobby looked longingly at it, half-expecting to see Wendy looking at him through the rear window. She wasn’t. He probably should have asked for help but like he had said, he didn’t need to put any more people in danger. He took a deep breath and scanned his surroundings. He had asked to be driven as close to the runways as possible. It had briefly occurred to him that he may have wanted to start at the front of the airport but if Trent had taken Kenny away to beat the living daylights out of him, then it would be unlikely to be there. They wouldn't be in the toilets obviously; why kidnap a guy in one set of toilets before taking him to another? Anyway, back to the present. Bobby was staring at a large metal gate that stood between him and the runways. His plan originally had been to climb over them but now he noticed there was a hole at the bottom of the fence beside the gate that he could crawl through. It was just about more than enough for him to get under. Convenient. Once he was through, he bolted towards a small hanger on his right and hugged the wall. Now that he was trespassing, he didn't want to get caught by any guards, let alone Trent. Considering he was technically an illegal immigrant, having dropped into the country suddenly, it was probably best to avoid any security.

Now, let's think…if Bobby were a beefed-up wanker who held a grudge with someone to the point where he would take him to the airport with the intent of beating that person within an inch of his life, where would he go? Well, this hangar might be a start. It was small, something you would fit a small plane in. It would only take a minute to sweep it and check.

One minute later, Bobby had come up with nothing. The hangar had been empty, save for a few boxes and shelves with tools. He exited out of the side door he had used to gain entry and began to make his way around, heading to the front. As he came to the corner, he spotted someone going across the runway and immediately stopped dead in his tracks. Taking a peek round the corner, he spotted the guy that had knocked him out back at the restaurant. He had stopped and waved his hand, motioning for someone to come towards him. And Bobby correctly guessed who; Trent had Kenny hunched over his shoulder and two other cronies in tow. It was hard to tell but it looked like Kenny was trying to fight out of Trent's arms. At least he was still alive. Bobby was resisting the urge to run over and attempt to free him, as taking all four of them head on would be suicide. Plus, he'd already had enough headaches for one day. The one he already had was still giving him some gip. Instead, he decided to see where they were headed.

He let them pass for a moment before emerging from around the corner and into the open. This was a risk, there was no cover until the next hangar which was about 30 feet away. Bobby began to run towards it, making sure to land on his toes with each step to minimalize the noise, and hoping that they didn't turn around again.

Shit, they had! Bobby hit the deck and hoped that he was blending in with the tarmac enough. He had been close enough to reach the hangar wall but there was still a chance they might have seen him…He kept his face down against the cold ground, holding his breath and listening for any footsteps. A couple of moments passed. Nothing. Cautiously, he looked up. They were going towards the hangar. Their backs were still turned. Taking the opportunity, Bobby sprinted towards the wall and stopped short of the side door. This better be unlocked, otherwise he would be in trouble. He pulled the handle down and pushed against the door. Oh thank God. It opened. He looked in and…hello.

There was a small black plane that could seat quite a few people, like one of those luxury jets that televangelists pine for. Two jets, elegantly spread wings, the works. But there was some sort of weird greenish glow coming from inside and beaming out of the windows. And the jets were emitting steam of the same colour. Bobby wanted to go up and get a closer look, but he didn’t dare move any further in case he was spotted. The glow wasn't bright enough to prevent him from looking inside. Something told him this wasn't a typical plane.

The hangar doors began to open. He heard some gruff-ish sounds (You know, the type kids make when they want to sound rough and tough but just sound like they're taking a really painful shit) talking about how one of them had somehow managed to drop the keys back there. That would explain why they had taken a bit longer than they really should have. Bobby immediately headed inside the plane via its cabin door. In hindsight, that was probably the second-stupidest move he could have made but here he was. Bobby Tethway, in a plane with green lighting, weird beeping noises, flashing dials and…some sort of chair in the middle of the cabin. Now that’s odd. He wanted to inspect it but he didn’t have time. All he had been able to see was some wires and a metal thing hanging above it. Like a torture chair or something. Oh God, what were they going to do to Kenny? 

Never mind, he had to hide, fast. The walls had been stripped bare of any seats so there was nothing from him to hide under. He looked down. There was a hatch on the floor, to the rear of the cabin. That might work. He opened it. There was a small space, must have been used for storage or something, just big enough for him to fit in. Good a place as any. He hopped in and shut it. It was a bit of a squeeze.

"Why's the door open?" Presumably that was Trent. In his haste, Bobby had forgotten to shut the door. To his relief, they didn’t question it too much.

Seconds passed. He heard footsteps and grunting. He couldn't hear Kenny's muffles. That was worrying. Did they really need him alive for whatever they were planning on doing with that chair? Actually, now he thought about it, how had they actually got hold of that chair, let alone the plane? Had they converted it? Or was it…no, no it couldn't be, don't be stupid.

Another noise began to creep up. Well, not really creep up, more hit right in the eardrums. Bobby covered his ears. Sounded like they were starting the engines. They were going to fly the plane! Hopefully there were parachutes lying about somewhere, because he sure as hell was not going to be able to fly it back to Earth. Hold on, how did they even though know how to fly the plane? They were only teenagers. Was this some sort of elaborate revenge plot for something? Had Kenny been the reason Trent had ended up in juvenile hall? Had juvenile hall sent Trent into complete madness? A frame job perhaps? Crash the plane in the town a la Lockerbie and leave Kenny in the wreckage, pinning the blame on him? Sounded overly complicated, but he didn't know Trent. For all Bobby knew, he could be the equivalent of Moriarty.

He felt himself being pushed up against the back of the storage. The plane was picking up speed. Must be rolling down the runway. This did not feel right at all. Bobby felt increasingly weird inside. He was praying to God that he wouldn't vomit again. To take his mind off things, he began drawing up a plan. Right now, it was the only thing he could do.


	4. The Boy Who Fell to South Park: Part Four

To his surprise, Kenny woke up. He thought Trent would have killed him. His vision slowly unblurred itself as he began to see where he was. He realised he was sitting down and tried to get up, but he couldn't. He was strapped into a chair. There was something tightening against his head.

"Whuh…What's going on?" He mumbled.

"Hello, McCormick" Trent said. He looked excited. That was not good.

"Trent? What's going on here?" Kenny began struggling against the cuffs but they kept him firmly sat in his place.

"I finally have you where I want you" He said, bringing his face up close and personal towards Kenny. He was drooling.

"Dude, it was years ago. You seriously still hold a grudge over that?!" Kenny started looking around for a way out. But he was on a plane. Escape was impossible. He continued to struggle anyway out of desperation.

Suddenly, Trent started chuckling right in Kenny’s ear, which made him shiver "This is more than just a grudge. You see, you have something that I want"

There was something not right with how Trent was speaking. Didn't he always used to swear a lot? And what did he mean by something Kenny had?

"What are you on about?"

"Your immortality" He rubbed his hands.

"Huh?! Dude, you don't want immortality! You'll just keep going back to juvenile hall until the end of the world"

Trent chuckled again "He hated that place"

"He?" Had he gone schizo? Hell, it was Trent Boyett, he probably already was.

"All of them" He continued, looking over Kenny's shoulder. Two other bullies were standing side to side by Kenny "I have to be honest with you, Kenneth. I am not Trent. I'm merely using his body"

Ok, this was becoming more and more retarded "Is Trent dead?"

"I needed someone who wouldn't be missed, someone obscure, someone out of the way" He explained with a smile. There was nothing nice about it. Kenny was just relieved he hadn't gone for Karen instead, whoever he was.

"Are you wearing Trent's body as a suit?" Kenny wanted to be sick. It was probably the plane flying.

"Sort of" He pulled a small red switch out of his pocket and pressed it. A blue light engulfed 'Trent'. Once again, Kenny was briefly blinded. When it disappeared and he could see again, what can only be described as the shit that streamed out of Cartman's nose but with a body stood in front of Kenny. He was slightly taller than Trent had been. A single eye was sitting right in the middle of where the head once was. No legs, but he had arms.

"Hello" It said. Its voice was deeper.

Now Kenny was panicking. He was looking at an alien, and it wanted his curse. Two others now stood beside him, having changed form aswell. He began to scream and curse in terror before suddenly suffering an electric shock. He nearly fell unconscious and his muscles went limp.

Calmer, Kenny asked "What the hell are you?"

"We are the Corpas. Our life energy is running out. We need your life force to survive" Kenny realised, or at least theorised, that they were going to use the thing on his head that had just shocked him to suck out his life. Would he even come back?

"How do you know I'm immortal?" At this point, Kenny was just trying to buy time in the hope that someone would rescue him or that the plane would crash or that he would suddenly die of a heart attack and get back to South Park. Just something! What the hell had happened to Bobby?!

Hearing the screaming, Bobby decided now would be a good time to emerge. He thrust the hatch open and popped his head.

"Hello, sorry to bother you" The Corpas turned. Bobby was now staring at three green blobs with eyes surrounding Kenny "Holy Christ of Nazareth!" Now he knew what it would like if Anne Robinson's botox wore off. Cautiously, he pulled himself out of the storage unit and gave a polite wave.

"Where the hell have you been?!" Kenny yelled.

Bobby pointed down towards the hatch he'd just appeared from. Kenny groaned.

"So…Corpas, eh?" It was the best Bobby could come up with.

"You don't sound so surprised" The main one said.

"Mate, I started my day being beamed out of the sky onto an immortal kid’s front porch. I'm running out of things to be surprised by"

"Well, we can't have you on board" One of them pulled out a gun from…his back? That might have been the idiot from earlier.

"I'd advise strongly against that!" Bobby said quickly. He remembered Goldfinger. Yes, this was alien tech and it probably wasn't an actual plane, but the laws of psychics still applied. If that thing was fired, the cabin would most likely decompress or something like that and they'd get sucked out.

"Guys, you didn't answer my question" Kenny piped up. They turned to face him. Bobby quickly realised what he was doing. Granny's footsteps. He prepared to creep towards the main Corpa, the one that used to be Trent Boyett.

"You're a legend in our corner of the universe, Kenneth" It explained. Bobby came forward a couple of paces "Our planet is gone you see, we lost it in a war. Only a handful of our race survived. The planet sustained our lifespan but now that it's gone…we need whatever we can get"

"Space rapists?" Kenny snarked.

"In a manner of speaking" None of them had turned round. Bobby kept creeping forward "Trent and his friends were needed to keep us going until we found you. We need you. The immortal one. The son of Cthulhu"

"You what, sorry?!" Bobby said that out loud. Everyone turned to face him again. He hadn't been able to help himself. Were they going to notice he was closer?

The Corpas raised their guns. They had noticed. Well that plan had backfired.

"Stay back" He motioned for the other Corpas to begin the process. One of them began fiddling with the device attached to Kenny's head. The other disappeared behind the chair. Buttons could be heard clicking. A humming noise began to creep up.

They weren't going to let Bobby out of their sight. Not until Kenny had been drained. There was only one thing for it. And this was most likely going to kill them all. But it was better than being guaranteed to be killed. Bobby began to step forward a bit more.

"I mean it" The main Corpa warned.

“Kenny?”

“What?” The humming was getting louder. Seconds remained.

“Apologies in advance” And then Bobby jumped forwards. The gun fired. A red laser brushed against his coat but he wasn't injured. However, what he had warned would happen, happened. The air rapidly decompressed. The laser blast had struck the metal wall behind Bobby, bounced back and had shot out a window to the left of the chair. The idiot and his mate were quickly sucked out before they could even scream, almost followed by the lead Corpa who had latched itself on to the frame of the glassless window. Bobby, meanwhile, had been lifted off his feet and thrown towards the hole but had managed to grab the arm of Kenny's chair. His legs were pointing directly towards the outside.

"We'll be back!" The Corpa cried.

"Whatever" Kenny replied. The alien was then fully sucked out, joining his pals.

Bobby was hanging onto the chair for dear life "This didn't go entirely according to plan!" He admitted over the howling wind.

"No shit!"

Bobby's grip was slipping "Kenny…" One hand skated off "Kenny!" He yelled, fearing his fate. And then the other hand went. Bobby felt himself being sucked towards the shot-out window. He did a barrel roll in mid-air which allowed him to see he was rocketing straight for the pink sky. Before he was fully outside, he stopped and felt a pull on one of his outstretched arms. He tilted his head downwards. Kenny was there holding onto him with his feet planted against the wall and trying desperately to pull him back in. Somehow he'd got himself free of the straps. Must have been the pressure, or the lack of it. The pull on his arm made Bobby scream in agony for a few seconds before Kenny lost his grip. Bobby then went flipping around like a mad fish into the sky, continuing to scream his lungs out. He tried to stabilise himself and after a few seconds he had his arms and legs outstretched and was in position to do a belly-flop. At least he'd die elegantly. He didn’t know if it was the wind or his imminent death but he could feel tears streaming down his face.

What a shit day.

As he descended, he caught sight of something orange plummeting towards the ground. That had to be Kenny! Without a second thought, Bobby tilted himself forward into a diving position and began plunging towards his friend. As he did, Kenny caught sight of him and outstretched his arm again. Bobby did the same. After a couple of seconds of further falling, they grabbed each other's hands and clung onto each other. Bobby smiled for a second, but it quickly disappeared as he looked down and saw the ground fast approaching. They didn’t have long.

"Oh cock" He sighed over the wind "We're dead, aren't we?"

"I am, you're not. Here…" And then Kenny wrapped his arms around Bobby's neck and brought their bodies together as tightly as possible.

Needless to say, Bobby was slightly creeped out "What the hell are you doing?!"

"Just hang on!" Kenny replied before pulling them down a little bit so he was looking directly at the sky. He was set to land back first. Then Bobby understood. Kenny was going to break his fall in the hopes that he'd survive. Well…better than nothing.  
As the ground came closer still, Bobby tried to break the ice "You know, this is gonna look extremely awkward when we land"

"Yeah I know. I just hope this works" He took one last glance to see how far away his latest death was. About five seconds to impact. He screwed his eyes shut. Bobby didn’t really envy him.

Before impact, Bobby said "Kenny?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you"

And then everything happened at once. Bobby could have sworn Kenny winked but he didn't process it because he was suddenly being flung upwards again, doing a somersault through the air before landing on his back. He was still breathing. Holy shit. He was alive! His head was hurting again and he felt slightly winded which made breathing difficult. But he didn’t care. He lay there, staring at the colourful sky for a few seconds to regain his senses, before slowly sitting up and turning round, rolling in the snow. There was Kenny's corpse, squished from the impact and turning the snow red with his blood. What a way to go. He knew he couldn't do anything at this point but regardless he still stumbled over and shut his friend's eyelids. Then there was an explosion in the distance. Bobby looked up, startled. A massive fireball in the distance had appeared on the side of a mountain. The plane. Presumably, and hopefully, with the pilot Corpa still onboard, if there had been one. 

"Bastards" He muttered. He was pretty sure he had seen the last of them but…just the fact that the main one, the ringleader, had said ‘We’ll be back’. Probably just being overdramatic. Well there wasn't much he could do now. Just have to find his way home, hope Kenny was back and then apologise for getting him killed. Again. He stood up and began walking across the snow. If all else failed, he could ask for directions. Or if Lady Luck was still smiling on him, he could bump into Wendy again. He scoffed. Fat chance.

As far as first days in entirely new places go, Bobby had been through one hell of an experience. And it wasn't even dinnertime, whatever that may be in the McCormick household. Bobby wasn't looking forward to it. Hell, this was assuming he would even be invited. But the question still remained; who really was he?

I'm a sarcastic nerd with interesting dress sense, a British accent, a foul mouth, an immortal friend who I managed to leave stabbed and flattened, another friend with a beret who I shouldn’t even be friends with anyway, the know-how on skydiving and the knowledge that aliens truly do exist, he thought.

Other than that, fuck all. 

But compared to how he had started the day, that was an improvement.


	5. Starter For Ten: Part One

'School'.

For a person at the age of ten, that probably wasn't the greatest word to hear. The crack-of-dawn start, the tedium of English and Maths (and yes, he did pluralise it. Britishness and all that), the lunches that had a suspicious underlying taste of piss and/or shit, and so on. But Bobby had actually been looking forward to starting at South Park Elementary. A chance to socialise with more of the kids and hopefully make new friends, and to try something that wasn't waffles and Pop Tarts. The lessons he couldn't spin but hey, optimism and all that.

Not many memories had come back to him over the last week since his arrival and the kafuffle with the Corpas. In an effort to try and build himself more of a personality, he had tried a few things to see if they suited him or not. Karen had tried getting him to draw but his attempt at a butterfly had been met with a mixed reception.

“It’s…” Karen had spent a solid ten seconds tilting her head and trying to come up with the right words.

Kenny found them for her “It looks like two guys’ butts touching each other”

Slightly hurt, Bobby had shot back “Well, someone’s got a career in art critique ahead of them”

Bobby didn’t know if Kenny really liked having him around, if he was just tolerating the Brit’s presence. After all, he had got killed twice on the day Bobby arrived. But nevertheless, he had introduced his new neighbour to NASCAR which, while a little boring and samey, did manage to hold Bobby's interest for a little while. Seemed he might be interested in cars. They had also thrown stones at old beer bottles in the garden. Plenty of them to hit. Bobby had turned out to be a crack shot, so there was that. He had asked if they could watch Doctor Who so he could relive watching episodes for the first time but unfortunately the McCormicks couldn't afford Netflix.

Speaking of whom, they…how to put this delicately? They were loud, drunken shitheads and Bobby genuinely despised the fact that Kenny and Karen had ended up saddled with them. In fact, he was surprised they hadn’t tried running away. There was another kid in the family called Kevin apparently, but Bobby hadn’t seen him at all over the past week. He'd been doing his own thing in the forest lately. Probably wanking. Their parents had had a habit of arguing in the night and had been loud enough to keep Bobby, who bearing in mind was next door and not in the house itself, awake for hours at a time. Going to school had been a relief as it meant he could get away from them. Kenny had said he was expecting to come home one of these days and find one or both of them dead in a pool of blood or vomit. Depended on whether they would kill themselves before the booze did.

After the morning lessons of Maths and English he had met Kenny's friends, although introductions and conversation had been brief. The first person he encountered was Cartman, the so-called last resort should Bobby have needed any help, but he had actually seemed rather nice. Dangerously overweight, but nice. They didn't talk much though; Cartman seemed rather busy.

"He's never been like that before" A confused Kenny had said as he waddled off "Not unless he was preparing to kill someone"

Bobby had also been introduced to Stan, who didn't say much and had seemed a bit depressed. Him and his girlfriend had apparently split up and he hadn't been too happy since. Poor guy. There was also Kyle but he too seemed to have had a lot on his mind, so it was literally a case of 'Hi, nice to meet you, gotta go, see you' in about ten seconds. Kenny had asked if Bobby would want to meet Butters but after overhearing the whole wieners-out thing in the restaurant last week, he didn't really fancy it. Apart from that, a couple of other guys had come up to him but Bobby guessed they were only doing so because they wanted to hear his accent. He’d expected that; for some reason whenever people hear an accent different to theirs, they cream their jeans over it before the novelty wears off a couple of days later. No girls had said hello, but he knew why. At least he didn't have to wear that stupid wig…Speaking of which, he had meant to thank Wendy for helping him save Kenny but it was a case of waiting until she was alone in order to say it. If she got caught talking to a guy, the rest of the girls would probably go bonkers. And he would lose any chance of getting to know new people.

All in all, the making new friends thing hadn't turned out as well as he had hoped, but the day was still young. Lunch on the other hand had been a pleasant surprise; it hadn't tasted as bad as Bobby suspected it would. He'd sat with Kenny, Stan and a couple of other kids called Tweek and Craig.

"We're gay" They had said to introduce themselves. Bobby was unphased. Whatever floats your boat as far as he was concerned. They had seemed quite cute aswell; Craig had a habit of calling Tweek 'honey'. Bless. Conversation had been the same old stuff you ask the new kid; where are you from (as if the accent didn't give it away), why'd you move here (which was tricky to answer), and how do you like the town. Generic shite. Bobby had guessed that morale wasn't great considering recent events.

Now here he was at his new locker, setting stuff up just before recess ended and class resumed. To his knowledge, younger kids' schools back at England had never used lockers so regardless of whether he could remember or not, this was a new experience for him. He reached into his bag to try and find his pencil. Where was it? He hadn't left it behind in class had he? He dug deeper to make sure.

Ouch!

He snatched his hand out of the bag in pain, wincing. He'd found the pencil alright. He managed to grab the pointy end and jab it in his finger. At least he knew it didn't need sharpening. Groaning, he zipped his bag up and tossed it back in the locker, which he slammed shut in annoyance. Typical. How the hell do you even manage to stab yourself with a pencil?! Never mind. Time to hit the yard. His finger wasn't bleeding was it? No, there was just a little mark. That was irritating…  
Halfway down the corridor, Bobby realised something was off. Something was happening in his chest. He felt himself beginning to gasp for air. What was…? He checked his pulse. It had rocketed. He propped himself up against the lockers and tried to work out what was going on. He tried breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. Several attempts came and went but he felt no better. He was beginning to feel sick.

It's nothing, he thought. I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK, I'm OK…I'M NOT OK! He began gasping for breath. Nausea began to overwhelm him. He collapsed on his knees and began to retch, hoping something might come up and make him feel better. Nothing. He scrunched at his top repeatedly but that didn't help either. Was he overreacting to something? Was he dying? HE DIDN'T BLOODY KNOW! He wanted to get back on his feet and run outside for help. But he couldn't. He went lightheaded. Everything began to blacken. The last thing he saw was the floor rushing up at him as he heard a distant thump.

Seconds, minutes, hours, days passed before Bobby regained his senses and picked himself up. To his surprise, he didn't feel sick, which was a welcome relief. In fact, he felt fine. He was about to start loudly questioning what had happened but then he realised something. He wasn't in the school corridor anymore. He wasn't surrounded by lockers. He wasn't slumped on the cold floor that smelt of melted snow. Instead, he was lying on a wooden bench, and there were windows all around him. It was raining heavily outside. It took him a moment before it clicked.

He was on the London Eye. He'd been here before.

Bobby cautiously got up and looked out. He was very high up, almost the peak. Lucky he had gotten used to heights. It was a hell of a view, if you could look past the raindrops on the glass. Looking down upon Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament, the two bridges to either side, the Shard off in the distance. Smudged by the rain. But it was home. He grinned.

Then he heard a weird sound from his right. He snapped his head towards where it was coming from. Sounded like…oh no. Bobby saw that the emergency doors of the capsule were developing cracks in the glass. Before he could react, the glass evaporated and the doors sprung open. A huge gust of wind blew him off his feet. He grabbed onto the leg of the bench in an effort to prevent himself from being sucked out. Freezing, hard rain was pouring in and bashing off his body, smacking across his face and drenching the lenses of his glasses. A creaking noise from up above made Bobby's blood run cold. One snap later and the capsule was teetering on an angle, turning it into a slide to hell.

"Hold on…" He could hear a voice pleading over the wind. It wasn't his own. It sounded distant.

He couldn't keep a hold. His hands were aching. Bobby lost his grip. He clawed at the floor for one last hope, his fingernails scraping against the floor. It was no good. He fell through the doors, out of the capsule and began to plunge towards the Thames, screaming his heart out. He watched the Eye move further and further away, futilely swiping at the air in the hope that he could climb back up.

"I'm sorry…" The voice spoke again.

Then a splash.

Bobby woke up with a quick scream and bolted upright. He was sweating and shaking, and the familiar feeling of nausea was stronger than ever. He was gasping for about three breaths a second. Where was he now? On a bed in the first aid room. God, this was hell. He fell back onto the pillow to try and suppress his pounding head and began tugging at the sheets. He seriously felt on the verge of being sick.

He heard the door open at the other end of the room. He tilted his head up to see who it was. The nurse. She seemed to be in her mid-fifties, with long grey strands poking out of her head and her arms. Her stomach poked out, but not to the extent that Cartman's had. To Bobby's annoyance, she was holding a cigarette. Must have cut her fag break short.

"How are you feeling?" She said in a gravelly voice. Sounded like Lunchlady Doris from The Simpsons.

Bobby wanted to say he felt like complete shit, but of course he couldn't. Bloody school rules..."I've been better" He murmured. He turned over to look at the clock on the wall. Bugger. It had been nearly an hour since he had been at the lockers. He'd missed recess.

"Do you want me to call your parents to take you home?"

"Er…maybe" The nurse rolled her eyes. Oh, come off it, love, I just had a panic attack, I don't need to feel shittier than I already do, he thought. He decided to explain "Look, I kind of ended up on the McCormicks' doorstep and I'm living with them at the moment. If you call them, that should be fine"

"What about your actual parents, where are they?"

Oh, just…Bobby sighed in frustration before saying with a slightly raised voice "I don't know and at the moment I don't care" He lifted his head and stared daggers at her in a mental attempt to get her to piss off.

The nurse gave up, muttered something about douches and sauntered out, presumably to finish her cigarette. Beside manner. What a load of tosh. Bobby plonked his head back onto the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He was still breathing fast and it felt like he had a swimming pool sloshing about in his skull with a giant heart inside it. Ugh...

After a moment, the door opened again. Please don't be the nurse again, he thought as he reluctantly lifted his head up again. He just wanted to lie back in peace. To his surprise, it wasn't the nurse, not unless she had shrank in the last minute or so. He sat upright, holding onto the sheets to balance himself. And there was that all-too-familiar pink beret.

"Oh, you're alright!" Wendy exclaimed.

"Eh?" What was she doing here?

"I was on my way to get something from my locker and I found you passed out on the floor. Had to carry you in here" She came into the room and walked towards him, stopping at the head of the bed "You're heavier than you look. A little bit of exercise wouldn't kill you"

"Oi!" Cheeky little…

Wendy giggled "Sorry" She stood at the foot of the bed. Bobby noticed there wasn’t any seats next to him so he indicated for her to sit opposite him on the mattress. She thanked him and climbed up "So what happened? First day nerves?"

"Probably, I dunno. One minute I was fine, the next I was on the floor in a heap, panicking” He glanced down at his finger, which had a little red dot on the tip “Unless it was the pencil…"

"The what?"

"Nothing" That sounded really stupid, and he didn't want to repeat it. But deep down he knew that had to be it. Folding like he had didn't just happen at a random point. Did it? "I've got to say” He said “Me having no memory of what the last ten or so years were like is starting to get to me. And I hate to admit it but I have a sneaking suspicion that me panicking was something to do with something that happened way back. If that’s the case, now I’m considering whether or not I want to remember" Bad memories concerning a pencil could stay buried as far as he was concerned. He burrowed his head in his hands before running them aggravatedly running them through his mop of hair "It's a mess" He summarised glumly.

“Have you been able to remember anything?” She asked.

Bobby looked up at her. He was going to dismiss it by saying all he knew was that he was a crap artist and a petrolhead, but she was giving him that reassuring smile of hers. The one she’d given him on the way to the airport last week. Praying he wasn’t about to make a stupid mistake, he confessed “I think I remembered something while I was asleep. I was on the London Eye and then I fell out. But I don’t know if that’s got anything to do with anything” He shrugged before scoffing “You know what, it was probably just a dream. Anyway. That's twice now you've come to my rescue. What gives?"

Her smile faded which made Bobby annoyed with himself. She broke her gaze away from him and said "I’m sure you’ve probably worked out by now that things have been a bit tense lately between the boys and girls…"

"To the point where I have to wear a wig to save face"

She smirked before continuing "We were sure someone here was the troll but now…" She threw her hands up and they quickly landed back in her lap "Like you said, it's a mess. But it can’t have been you, you only just got here. I mean, what do you think of girls?"

Oh, boy, this was a slippery slope. What would be the best way to approach this? Just speak from the heart, he guessed “Far as I’m concerned, you’re just as good at things as us blokes. Hell, probably better in some cases; you can definitely pull the long hair off better than we can”

Did that work…? Bit of humour never hurts. She was staring at him. Uh oh…

Oh thank God, the smile came back "Well at least we both know you're not a misogynist. Anyway, I should get back to class" She said, getting down "I said that I was going to the toilet; they'll probably think I've fallen in. You sure you're alright?"

Bobby was about to complain again, but then he noticed. While his head still hurt and there was a mild undercurrent of nausea still there, his breathing had returned to normal. He'd calmed down. He nodded.

"If you need to talk about anything, come find me"

Bobby raised his eyebrow "But won't you get into hassle by talking to me?"

She hesitated, probably trying to translate 'hassle', before admitting "Yeah. Be discreet about it, ok?"

"Ok" She turned to leave, when Bobby remembered something "Oh, and Wendy?" She turned back round "Thank you for helping me"

"Pleasure" And with that, she waved and left the room.

Wendy confused Bobby. Kenny had told him about her, how she was the biggest feminist in town, a staunch liberal, a firm believer in whatever she stood for. In that regard, you'd think she'd stick to her guns and avoid any boys like cocks were a plague. So what was the deal? Kenny had also mentioned that one time she'd had a fling with a Brit called Gregory. Maybe it was the accent. Well, whatever the case, if she wanted to be friends with him, then he could only hope that she wasn't an immortal aswell. One was enough. Although considering that she had been able to calm him down twice, he could probably overlook it if that were the case. He sighed. At least he hadn't completely failed at making friends.

Bobby jumped down from the bed to test his legs. They were supporting him fine. No weakness at all. He grabbed a glass of water from the bedside table and took a long swig. Oh, he'd needed that! It was nice and cool.

Then the nurse came back in "Why are you out of bed?"

"I'm feeling better" He said matter-of-factly.

"So I just called the McCormicks for nothing?!" She shouted between coughs, which made it hard to take her seriously. Cigarettes. Bad for your health. 

"Oh, relax. They probably won't even show" Bobby popped down the glass. He could picture them now. They’d be on the floor of their house pissed out of their skulls. He began to make his way toward the door but couldn't resist snarking at the nurse "Thank you for taking care of me, very much appreciated"

"Hey, cut the attitude!" 

Touched a nerve there. Bobby laughed as he sauntered out. A far cry from how he had been a few minutes ago.


	6. Starter For Ten: Part Two

Once he was back at the quote unquote guest house, Bobby had decided to do a little spring cleaning. Even though it all looked beyond saving, he thought he might aswell make an effort to turn it into more of a house than…whatever you could describe it as in its present state. Shit-shack was a phrase he had kept coming back to. So far it had been a case of using some air freshener to try and get rid of the smell of weed and meth, and propping some old books under a manky coffee table to stop it from tipping over. Now he was trying to work out the right layout, spinning round and round as he tried to figure out where everything should be, scanning each and every inch of the room. He also noted that he had to patch up that hole in the ceiling. The draught had been giving him goosebumps all week. Before he could come up with a design that satisfied him, there was a knock on the door. 

"Come in" Bobby called.

"Hey, dude" Kenny came in "How was your first day?"

Bobby hadn't told him about the panic attack. For some reason he decided to gloss over it "Oh, the usual, go through the first few lessons, make no friends, have a panic attack, get saved by the only girl willing to talk to you. You know, same old, same old" He shrugged. Before Kenny could even think about asking Bobby about the panic attack, the Brit said "Could you give me a hand shifting this, please?" He indicated towards the mattress.

"Sure" They both took one end and lifted it up. Despite halving the weight between them, it was still rather heavy. And it still smelt like smoke and dead skin. You could only use so much air freshener unfortunately.

"Ok, follow my lead" Bobby began walking over towards the back wall.

"Oooh!" Kenny squealed before dropping his side of the mattress.

"Mate, what the hell?" Bobby demanded, throwing down the mattress in frustration. Literally two steps in and already there had been a cock-up. All he wanted was a little team effort. Kenny was bending over to pick something up. And then he proudly waved what he had seen; it was a roll of dollar bills. Now things made a lot more sense "How much is there?" Bobby asked.

Kenny counted it quickly before announcing "$30!"

Jackpot!

"The last guys we had in here were busted by the cops" Kenny explained "They must have left this behind" His eyes were bulging out with excitement. This was probably the most money he had held all year. Bobby was thinking of all the stuff they could do with $30. For a family as poor as Kenny's, this was like stumbling upon a goldmine. A very finite goldmine, but the point still stands.

"I'll take Karen out for ice cream" Kenny said, splitting the money. He handed Bobby a few bills, which totalled $15.

“Oh. Thanks, mate” Bobby shyly took the money and looked at it with glee. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with it. Tweek had mentioned something during lunch about his parents owning a coffee shop. He had been gasping for a cuppa since he'd arrived in South Park. He was British, he needed a hot drink.

But if Kenny was going to take Karen out, then who would he go with? Wendy. Bobby didn’t want to go on his own but it was either that or her. That is, if she would be willing to come out. Sod it. He wouldn’t know if he didn’t try.  
Pocketing the money, Bobby thanked Kenny before asking him to pick the mattress up again.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At about 5:15pm, the sun was just setting on South Park, painting the sky with a wonderful burnt orange colour. Bobby strolled eagerly into Tweek Bros Coffeehouse. He could taste the Frappuccino already. He rubbed his hands excitedly and walked up to the till. There was no queue.

"Hello there, may I take your order?" The bloke behind the counter was tall with brown hair. Bobby had guessed that it might have been Tweek's Dad, given the resemblance. Minus the twitching. There was something blank about his expression though, which bother Bobby slightly.

Nonetheless he ordered "One Frappuccino and a brownie please" before fishing into his pocket and taking out the money. His order set him back $5.35, which seemed a bit of a rip-off. Best be worth it, he hoped.

After a moment of waiting, he had his drink and brownie in his hands and found himself a table beside the till. It was near the window, which wouldn’t be ideal if someone were to glance over, but it would do. Now, it was just a case of waiting for…ah-ha. Right on cue. Wendy appeared, walked across and opened the door.

"Hi" She spotted him, came round the table and sat opposite.

"Evening" Bobby was feeling a little nervous about this, and presumably she was too. Still, it felt good to be out of the house without meth wafting up his nose every five seconds. Although saying that, he could have sworn he had smelt some earlier when the door to the back of the shop was opened…

Wendy cleared her throat. He'd been staring at her like a loon, hadn't he? Ok, time for a rebound.

"So what would you like? It's on me" He'd said that far too quickly for his liking. Smooth, Tethway, real smooth…

"Just an Espresso thanks" She looked at the window and frowned. Maybe she was a little worried about being seen. After raising his finger as if to say 'Back in a mo', Bobby got up and went back to the till to order her drink. He swerved back and forth on his feet to try and cool his nerves. Somehow, he just felt that something was bound to go wrong. Well, try this on for size, something; the day surely couldn't get any worse after the panic attack. And while he may have been tempting fate thinking that, he had deliberately done it ironically so hopefully he would be safe. He glanced back at Wendy, who was still looking out of the window and tapping her fingers anxiously on the table. Now he felt guilty for putting her in this position. Had he asked a bit too much of her?

"One Espresso" Bobby was brought back to Earth by Tweek’s Dad, who handed over the drink and took another $4. As he went back over with her drink, Bobby took a deep breath in a further effort to reassure himself that this was not going to go wrong. It wasn’t entirely working. She thanked him as he set her drink down in front of her and plonked himself down back in his seat. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, Bobby broke the ice "Didn't miss much at school today did I?" 

"Not really, no. Although Butters decided to bring out his wiener again" She looked like she wanted to be sick as she said that. He didn't blame her, frankly. She looked out the window again before taking a sip of her drink.

"Well, let's just put the whole gender war malarkey to the side for the time being" Bobby wanted to focus on positives rather than negatives as much as possible "Tell me a bit about yourself, Wendy"

"What's there to say?" She ummed for a moment before deciding to be humble "I'm just your everyday girl"

Bobby realised he was going to struggle to find ways of making conversation. He was also probably going to add ‘socially awkward’ to his personality checklist "What do you do for fun?" He asked.

"Oh, I hang out with my friends; go to the movies, have sleepovers and all that. I do cheerleading and volleyball aswell. I don't really have much me-time though” She considered what she had said for a moment “Well, actually that's a lie, I do have more of that these days because of…" She stopped in her tracks and sighed "What about you?"

"Gotta be honest, still trying to work all that out. I would say hanging out with friends aswell, but I only really have two so far; Kenny and you” He lifted his fingers off his cup “That is if you don't mind being friends with a nerd like me"

"You haven’t given me a reason not to yet" She responded.

“What, not even my gender?” That just slipped out. So much for putting it all to one side. Bloody idiot.

She rolled her eyes. He felt her pupils scratching at him as they rose “We both know that doesn’t concern you. Like I said, you just got here. Don’t get me wrong, I think some guys are absolute scum…”

“President Twatface for instance?” He cut her off, hoping a dash of political humour would set things right.

She nodded in agreement. Good “He was our teacher”

Bobby’s eyebrows shot up in surprise “Seriously?!”

“Yup”

“How did you cope?”

She let out a single chuckle “Barely. It’s probably where a lot of the guys in our class got it from. That’s why I don’t think you’d be the kind of person who would act like that”

“Watch me get my memories back and it turns out I was a she-hater before all this thanks to some pillock in the British education system” He muttered cynically, remembering the existence of Michael Gove.

"So, why did you invite me out?"

Er…OK. He’d just said that her and Kenny were his only friends, hadn’t he? "Just my way of saying thanks for helping me out lately" He raised his cup and had a sip. Oh, that was gorgeous!

She flashed that familiar smile of hers "You're welcome. What else have you done since you got here?"

"Tried skydiving with Kenny, but it didn't work out that well. Apart from that, quite a bit of swearing"

She shrugged "Everyone does that in this town"

"What, the skydiving, or the swearing?" 

"The swearing, silly!" That could have gone worse, he supposed. She took another sip of her drink. So did he. Mm-mm! He was beginning to relax and feel comfy. They were over the hill now and in full swing. Marvellous. As she was drinking however, her face went red and she gasped as she swallowed her coffee. Bobby immediately reached over and asked if she was OK. He realised she was looking past him, out of the window again. He turned round to see what had caught her eye.

It was Stan. And he looked pissed off. Oh. Was he about to get a bollocking for hanging out with a girl? Oh. Oh, wait a minute…no.

"Excuse me" Wendy got down and went out.

No, no, no…

They began talking to each other. Stan now looked upset. Saying that, they both did. When Kenny had told him that Stan had been a bit down because of his girlfriend breaking up with him, did he…he'd meant Wendy hadn't he? He’d just taken out Stan’s ex-girlfriend.

As a pit slowly formed in his stomach, Bobby watched them talk for a solid seven seconds before taking his glasses off and headbutting the table. His and Wendy’s cups erupted with coffee. Unbe-twatting-liveable. He knew something was going to go wrong but he thought it was going to be something along the lines of him saying the wrong thing and her discovering that he was a complete charm vacuum. Not getting interrupted by her ex!

He lifted his head back up and half-heartedly unwrapped the brownie while he waited for Wendy and/or Stan to come back in. He took a small bite out of it. It wasn’t tasty enough to distract him.

Then Bobby's phone went off. That would be Kenny.

"Yeah?" He answered, trying and failing to not sound aggravated.

"Dude, wfasdjpjnilnbsauihp" That's pretty much what it sounded like Kenny just said. The muffles didn't help.

Bobby groaned loudly "Kenny, can you slow down and repeat that, please?"

"The police were round asking for you"

“…You what?"

"I don't know why, but I think they're looking for you. What have you done?!"

Why in God's name would the police be looking for him? At this point in time, he didn't really care "I haven’t done anything. Look, mate, I've got other things on my mind right now, I'll call you back" He tossed his phone onto the table and buried his head in his hands. The door opened behind him. He didn't look up.

"Dude, what's the big idea?!" Stan shouted. Bobby still didn't look up.

"It wasn't his fault, Stan…"

"Wendy, I poured my heart out to you" Now it sounded like Stan was fighting back tears "You broke up with me, but you knew I wasn't the troll. I still tried to fix myself, I sat on my ass for days trying to work out what was wrong with me and then when I think I've got it worked out, you've already started going out with a Brit, again!"

Now Bobby looked up, putting his glasses back on "For the record, mate, I didn't realise you two were going out. And I also didn't arrange this as if I wanted to score with her in the end because apparently the concept of people of the opposite sex going out as friends, if at all, seems to be lost on people these days!" He did try to say this as innocently as he could but the effort required to mask his frustration was too great. He almost spat out the last sentence.

"So, you're not attracted to her?" Stan asked.

"Stan, I told you" Wendy said before Bobby could respond "Once this was all over and everyone had forgot about it, I said I would get back with you, didn't I?"

Stan sighed "I know what you're like, Wendy. You have gone out with a lot of boys before"

She hesitated for a moment "Yeah, like three"

"Five" He held up his fingers to emphasise it. Bobby raised his eyebrow.

"If you mean Cartman, then that did not count!" Bobby raised his eyebrow even further.

He wanted to end this situation ASAP. Climbing down from his seat, Bobby said "Mate, take a look at me" Stan looked at what stood before him; a nerd in a long coat and plaid trousers with his arms outstretched "Do I honestly seem like the kind of guy that Wendy would go out with? Seriously"

Stan scanned him for a moment before conceding "I guess not. I'm sorry, I just…” He turned back to Wendy “I don't want to lose you again, Wendy. I know we've broken up a whole bunch of times but this last one hurt the most. You and I both know that I didn't do anything wrong, or at least I thought I didn't do anything. I…" He swallowed. Poor sod, he really had taken this one rather hard. "Like I said, I miss you"

Wendy cradled Stan's cheek "I know. I miss you too. You just need to be patient" Then she sniffed "Is that…?" She sniffed again "Have you been drinking?!"

Stan's expression turned into one of guilt "…A bit, yeah"

"Oh my God!" Wendy and Bobby said in unison.

But they didn't have time to take it further. Flashing blue lights started shining through the windows. Trouble in the neighbourhood? But then Bobby remembered Kenny's phone call and began praying it wasn't his trouble. They all stopped and stared as three police cars pulled up, and officers sprung out of them. Kenny appeared in front of them and dashed inside the shop. 

He grabbed Bobby by the shoulders "I told you they were after you, dude!"

Bobby’s blood ran cold, and the pit in his stomach from earlier further opened up again. He hadn’t done anything wrong…had he? He felt himself becoming short of breath again.

Two officers flanked their superior, a ginger guy in suspenders with two caterpillars forming a moustache. The rest of the squad remained outside. The three of them entered and the ginger spoke up, gaze fixed on the Brit "Bobby Tethway, I am Detective Sergeant Yates of the South Park police force. I am placing you under arrest on suspicion of being an illegal immigrant"

Bobby went completely dead inside, as everyone in the shop stared at him. This night had gone from potentially great to complete shite in less than five minutes. So much for tempting fate ironically.


End file.
